If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
