we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
