I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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