im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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