I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
