if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
