Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
