Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
