We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
