thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
