even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
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i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
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Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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