I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
