There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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