Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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