I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
