i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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