I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
