My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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