I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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