i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
