How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Pooping to opera.
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