I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
