Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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