Soap is not a condiment
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
