I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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