I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
