You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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