Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
