meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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