dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
