it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
