my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
