your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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