Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
A+ Viking dick
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