i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
