I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
