He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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