we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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