Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
