when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
