I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
