i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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