So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
