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my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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