I feel great
I just peed on a car
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
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I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
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I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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