I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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