i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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