don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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