Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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