planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
