This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
