Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
