I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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