pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
