hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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