she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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