think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
