ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
